Self Pity

So to be honest. I can be a bit of a drama queen - even Caroline will tell you that.

Things aren't anywhere near as bad as I made out. Yeah there were some difficult moments in the recent past - but to be honest I think a few feelings tempararily resurfaced. But I know what needs to be done.

To move on.

Wish you all the best my Love, you deserve it

x

oh crap. Where should I start?

So I just got back from Tunisia. First chance since August to turn off since perhaps before my exams at uni.

And thats perhaps where some of my issue (s) begin. Since Brunel, I've been a bit of a workaholic. Finished exams...the following week I went to get cash - did 45-50 hours/week. Thought I needed the cash.

There was literally a weekend between Selestia and Transport for London. Again, thought I needed the cash.

So back to Tunisia. My first relaxing get-away-from-the-stresses-and-turn-off holiday in maybe 2 or 3 years. Fuck did I need it.

Now down to what has really been bugging me.

Caroline.

Christmas was another opportunity to turn off. The second I did, Caroline and thoughts about our breakup came rushing in. Hence the downturn in my head over the 'Festive' period. I knew it'd happen. I tried to convince myself I was missing the relationship, missed the idea of having someone. Hating being alone.

But a friend keenly spotted it was Caroline I missed. Again I tried to convice him (and myself still) that it wasn't HER, just the idea of being with someone.

This time I was failing. Miserably.

She was convinced I would able to move on just like that. That I'd be the one seeing other people first. The ironic thing is 7 months later, I still find myself with tears in my eyes as I try to sleep.

The depressing thing is - I've since pulled one girl in November, but I have a gut feeling that I've cheated on Caroline. Not quite true I know, but it doesn't make the feeling any weaker.

My head is screwed. When I broke up with Caroline, I think perhaps I thought with my head, and not my heart. Finally I've taken note of the hints my heart has been dropping for 7 odd months.

The thought of her with another guy brings me to tears every time. Perhaps I've let the best thing in my life go through my fingers. I try to live without regrets, but I've a funny feeling this first big one is going to be of my own doing. Fuck. I often found it so hard to sleep while being away. As my head slowly 'turned off', the emotions filled my thoughts. Equally as upsetting as in August last year. It's getting harder and harder to remember why I did what I did. Its getting harder and harder to remember what we argued about. We argued a lot toward the end - I cant remember the subject of a single one. The only one I can remember was the straw that broke the camels back. And even that seems pettie now. Fuck, I'm an idiot.

The friend who told me months ago that I was still in love has provided some more help:

"you're a glutton for punishment"
"one sentence"
"not going to work"
"leave it"

Perhaps they're right. When I came back this evening and told Sayf about my thoughts, he came out with "heh, she's got a new boyfriend now"

And right there and then i felt my stomach had dropped a foot. I think its the rush of adrenaline or the blood leaving/entering the stomach that gives that feeling. Whatever it was, I proceeded to have a cry in the shower. Yup. Right now, old trusty Blog, there's a tear running down my nose and onto the clean glass table. I can feel it's going to be another tough night's sleep. Cathartic. She used that to describe the use of this blog in the past.

I can only imagine what Ben would say if he were reading this. He would slap me, call me gay, try and get me to drink again, and proceed to tell me I need to get laid with another woman. And he would say 'you dick'. And he'd be right.

Cos if by some miracle something odd happens and things are tried again between us - they'd never be the same. There'd be no/little trust, and I wouldnt blame her.

So you might be sat there thinking 'why the fuck did you break up with what could have been your best thing?' And my answer to that would be:

I felt claustraphobic in the relationship. I needed some air. I wasn't happy we agued so much. I had doubts about the relatonship, and in my head, when I had doubts....I still loved her, but I needed out, for the both of us.

She made me look her in the eye and tell her I didnt love her. I Lied. Because I thought I knew her. Because I thought if I had said anything else, I wouldn't have got the air I needed. Because I would never have had the space to think things through. 7 months on...I've had that chance and I know how I feel and what I want. My fears are that its waaaaay too late, the train has left the station, should by some miracle we DO get back together again, it wouldn't be the same.

While packing ten odd days ago I found one of her CD's. An opportunity to see/meet her? In Tunisia, I had thoughts of driving up to Loughborought and knocking on her door, giving her the CD and asking for 1 coffee to talk things through. The flight was delayed by and hour and a half and the news from Sayf quickly pulled that idea all to shreds. Oh fuck.

I did something quite odd. But I simply had to do it. I picked up the phone and called my original link to Caroline. I needed to know, if he was trwating her well, and that he was a good bloke. She had no idea and hadn't met him.

I need to do something in order to fix this mistake. This could well turn out to be my first big regret. But...

I've fucked things up Royally haven't I?